I called it my identity crisis. A friend simply called it my meltdown. Whatever it was, it wasn't fun.

I forgot Who I Am. Or maybe I didn't forget. Maybe Who I Am changed on me. All I know is, for about a week, I got lost.

Now, I wasn't seriously lost. I could still laugh at Mike's jokes and giggle with John over triffles. I wasn't all tragic, although I was a little mopey. I simply lost myself. I kept saying that I felt like a 14-year-old again.

Who am I? What's the point of all this? What the heck do I think I'm doing? Why is everything so hard? Why? I started to remember snippets of poetry that I had written as a teenager: "The world is a void. Who is there to ease the pain?" (I didn't say it was GOOD poetry!)

How do I define myself? I refuse to believe that I am only defined by the roles I play: Mother. Friend. Counselor. Daughter. Partner. Writer.

Each of these labels only defines a small arc in the circle that I am. A friend of mine said, "You know, sometimes we try to put God in a box. And just when we manage to define God and It fits nicely inside of the box, there's a tap on our shoulder & God says, "Hey, I'm over here. Who's that in the box?"

There's an awesome song by Brian Harris that says, "I forgot the truth about me again. I forgot that I'm a perfect child of God."

The reason that none of those labels work for me is that they do not even come close to defining the Truth of me. I have discovered that true freedom is mine when I stop trying to define and simply accept. I am a perfect child of God.

I have to admit that freedom is a lot scarier than I thought it would be. Why is it that whenever I get what I think I want it turns out different than I thought it would?

So now what? How do I get back to that place where I was confident, happy, secure? Well, I'm aware that on my path, there's no going back to where I was, there's only forward movement. So I guess that I have to get really clear about where it is that I'm going.

It's time to allow a deeper level of trust -- trust in God, trust in my process, trust in the world's process.

So here goes: Okay, God. I've tried ignoring You, I've tried using You, I've tried serving you. None of those have worked out so well for me. So how about I just abandon myself to You and let You figure all this out?

After all, You probably can't make quite such a mess of it as I have.



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