Feed Me

Overwhelmed. Tired. Stressed Out. Emotionally exhausted. Tapped out. Did I mention tired? We moved this weekend. And I had a cold. The quote that kept popping into my head: "How do you minister to a mind diseased?" Leave it to Shakespeare to come up with that one.

I needed ministry yesterday. I felt diseased, not just with my cold, but mentally, emotionally, especially spiritually. Does this sound familiar?

And what do I do about it? I know that there's a lot of "should's" and "could's" out there. "I should meditate." "I could go for a walk." "I should take care of myself." "I could do some yoga."

Instead, I find myself reacting. Oh, God, my back hurts! Should I call the massage therapist? Michael, I am SO tired! Can you PLEASE put John to bed tonight?

You see? I'm reacting to the low energy, the bad feeling. In the Old Testament of the Bible, David said, "I lift my eyes to the hills. From whence cometh my help?" What he meant by that is this: "I lift my consciousness to a higher place and open myself to a different truth, help will come."

I hear the word "Mindfulness" a lot. To me, this is what mindfulness is. It's not about going down, within. For me, that's just a way of closing myself off. To me, mindfulness is going up, and out, and expanding into a higher place. I look up to the hills and I am renewed.

I've had really bad practice this week. I say that without judgment for myself. It's kind of like saying "I have brown hair." It's not good or bad. It just is. I had really bad practice this week. I was whiny, I was moody, I was stressed out, I was reactive, I was pitiful. I felt toxic. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually toxic. And I never once tried to lift out of it. I just sat there in it. Waiting for help. I needed ministry, but I didn't know how to ask for it in my diseased state.

By the way, I got that ministry that I needed. Because what I was really looking for was love. Michael loved me by carrying all of the heavy boxes. Julianna loved me by sitting on my bed and sharing some "girlfriend" time. Eric loved me by cooking this awesome salmon dinner for me. Jason loved me by telling me a higher truth about my cold. I got the ministry that I most needed, without even having to ask for it. (Thank God for friendship!)

Most of the time, I'm pretty good at tapping into Source, finding all of the love, energy, and Good that I need. There was no way that I was going to love myself yesterday. I really needed other people to love me for me. I was able to experience God's love yesterday, in the midst of my tired, worn out, exhausted state. I am telling you that Love is what kept me going yesterday.

I get tired when my world gets too small. I get overwhelmed when I get caught up in the tornado of my own little mind, going around and around in circles about my own little problems. I get caught up in the drama of my own littleness and I get drained.

So today, my practice is not just to take care of my body and mind. In order to be really happy, my practice must be much, much larger than myself. My practice must be love, service, and community.

The Bhagavad Gita says this: "I am the source from which all creatures evolve. The wise remember this and worship me with loving devotion. To those steadfast in love and devotion I give spiritual wisdom, so that they may come to me. Out of compassion I destroy the darkness of their ignorance. From within them I light the lamp of wisdom and dispel all darkness from their lives."

You are the light of my life. Come to this place to dwell on Good things, to grow in spiritual wisdom, to shine your light on me. And as you do that, the darkness, the littleness, of your own life is destroyed. And so is mine.


© Copyright 2004-2006 Shelly Walker, All Rights Reserved